Your Royal Beardness,
It is with great shock and trepidation that I’ve come to learn your promising young life may soon be “cut off” all too soon. The internet is abuzz with rumors that Queen Elizabeth has requested Prince Harry to shave you from his face. Words cannot express how deeply I will miss you.
Prince Harry’s was a face that, up until a few months ago, I naively thought couldn’t be improved upon. But you proved me wrong, dear beard, rendering Prince Harry’s face more marvelously studly than ever before. For that, I am forever in your gratitude.
Ours was a classic, whirlwind romance—like that of a fairytale, or Nancy Meyers rom-com. You sprouted into my life in November of 2013, and my abounding love for you blossomed at once. Never had I seen facial hair so gloriously scruffy, so deliciously stubbly—the perfect balance of well-kempt and devil-may-care. And the color—oh, the color! A resplendent, burnt orange, like that of a perfectly ripened carrot, or the sky during a majestic Hawaiian sunset.
Now, on this cold day in January of 2014 (a mere two months into our romance) I find our relationship to be in grave danger, and I fear our time together may soon come to an end. I just wish I had told you sooner, how deeply I cared for you. You always think there’ll be more time, you know? Therefore, let this letter serve, not only as a tearful farewell, but also as a lasting testimony of my deep appreciation, admiration, and affection for you.
How cruel, how downright unjust, that a love as pure and as selfless as ours should be thwarted, ruined, “sheared” away, by royal protocol! To be fair, the situation is a bit “hairy.” I understand the Queen’s need to keep up appearances, and her desire for a clean-cut royal family. But at what cost? Are two clean-shaven cheeks really worth sacrificing a lifetime of magical, scruffy bliss? I think not!
Despite all this, I know my lamenting is an exercise in futility (as the Queen of England's opinion on this matter admittedly holds more weight than my own). And so, it is time to say goodbye, sweet beard. Perhaps someday I will see you again—maybe Harry will go on a long camping trip, or a sudden shortage of facial hair trimmers will occur in the UK. I welcome that day with open arms. Until then, just know this: though we never met in person, and our time together was short, that doesn’t make our romance any less magnificent, beautiful, and deeply “rooted” in love.
Yours always and forever,