Sunday, October 27, 2013

Musical Beers

This is one of the funniest videos of all time.  (Possibly because I have the sense of humor of a 19 year old boy.)  Regardless, search "Mail Order Comedy" on YouTube for a bunch of other awesome and hilarious old videos from the stars of Workaholics.  I sometimes waste 20 minutes of my day doing this, though it could be argued that time spent laughing is never wasted. :)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Future is Upon Us

All you iPhone and iPad users, check out the "Actable" app from Quad Graphics.  It is so crazy cool, and so futuristic, it makes the Jetsons look like cavemen. (Yes, even the robot nanny.)

I don't think any description I write could do it justice, so just check out the video.  Seriously awesome.

Meanwhile, I will be crying in a corner with my Android.  Sigh.

An Open Letter to Hogwarts

Dear Hogwarts,

I am rather disgruntled to inform you that I have not yet received my letter of acceptance to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and as it is well beyond my 11th birthday (I am now 23 years old) I have grown a bit concerned.

Despite repeated attempts to contact you over the last 12 years, I have heard nothing, and to be frank, I am so angry I could spit hinkypunks! Friends try to abate my anger and frustration. "No fears Joge, your letter is coming", they reassure me. "Perhaps Hogwarts can't find your address?" To those friends, I say: doubtful. If you people can remember something as specific as "cupboard under the stairs", then surely "just around the corner from the Burger King" shouldn't be too difficult.

What is it then? Was my video application too over-the-top for you guys? I know the smoke machines were probably a bit much, but you have to admit, my a capella rendition of "Double, Double, Toil and Trouble" was nothing short of spectacular. And as you can see from my costume selection, I look darling in scarlet and gold, though I would settle for green and silver if necessary. I draw the line at black and yellow though--I'm all for school spirit, but I would honestly rather snog a dementor than write my friends back home that I'm a Hufflepuff. Seriously.

As Albus Dumbledore once said, "Don't count your owls before they are delivered." I suppose I am guilty of just that, and yet, I cannot bring myself to keep from trying one last time. I realize that starting classes now would mean I would be double the age of the other witches and wizards in my year, but I promise, it won't be that weird. I'll be like that cool older student that everyone looks up to and wants to get a butterbeer Hogwarts' very own Van Wilder! (I know, I know, crap movie, but Ryan Reynolds was undeniably lovable in it!)

Well, I suppose I've done all I can for now. If you still refuse to acknowledge my inquiry, I will be forced to resort to wand-induced violence. So please, I implore you, just send me my acceptance letter already. I really don't want to go all "sectum sempra" on your magical derrieres, but I will do what I must to enjoy the magic that I so desperately seek.

(Just Around the Corner from the Burger King)

(originally published at

Sunday, October 20, 2013

An Open Letter to a Fallen Friend

Dear Fallen Friend,

Where did you go? Have I done something to offend you, perhaps a grievous offense I am not even aware of? Whatever the case, please come back...

The day started like any other, and I whistled contentedly as I hunkered down at my computer and signed into Facebook. The plan: check notifications, respond to some fan mail, catch up on my Words with Friends games (I will beat you if it is the last thing I do Mark Hendricks--you know who you are.) Not part of the plan: noticing with horror and dismay that my number of Facebook friends had dwindled from 547 to a paltry 546.

I just want to know why. But, as Mark Zuckerberg has not created a "Delete Friend--Provide Reason--Final Goodbyes" type application, I suppose I am left to ponder the reasons in solitude.

Was it my excessive status updates relating to frozen waffles? I've been meaning to cut back on those (the updates, not the waffles), but they are so delicious that I sometimes feel the need to share my enthusiasm with the world. Is that a crime? If so, lock me up, and throw me some wet naps, because my fingers are still a little sticky from the maple syrup.

No, I'm sure it wasn't the waffles. Perhaps then, my listening preferences on Spotify have irritated you. I realize listening to "Ms. New Booty" 15 times in a row is a bit much, and that it could be construed as a somewhat offensive song, but I swear, it's just the beat of the song that I like, and I in no way endorse the misogynistic undertones of the lyrics, on that you have my word.

Or maybe it was the poking. It is so hard to convey tone on the internet, but I assure you, the pokes were intended to be playful, not agressive--I'm not a monster!

Whatever the reason, I just hope that we can work things out soon, and become "Facebook friends" once again. I know we only met a few times in highschool, and I haven't seen you since, but does that mean I should no longer be allowed to wish you a "happy birthday xo", or peruse your "Bahamas 2012-WooHoo" album for a few hours? What kind of friend are you anyway?


(originally published at
(also featured on HelloGiggles!

Friday, October 18, 2013

7 Signs I'm Turning Into a 19 Year Old Boy

1.       Nutrition
I see no problem with cold pizza for breakfast.  If anything, I see a problem with not having cold
 pizza for breakfast.

2.       Catchphrases
In my opinion, no night of mayhem has truly begun until one of the following phrases has been
uttered: “Let’s get weird!” or “Who’s ready to let the dogs out?”  Bonus points if this is followed
 up by an energetic fist pump.

3.       TV Preferences
Given the choice between a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon or a Family Guy
marathon, the answer will always be Family Guy.  Always.

4.       TV Preferences Continued
Following that vein, I see absolutely nothing wrong with killing an entire hour watching “Bird is
 the Word” compilations on YouTube.

5.       Fashion Decisions
Faced with the choice between sandals or socks, my answer will always be a resounding,
“Both!”  The marriage of 2 of the most comfortable forms of footwear is something that should
be celebrated, not mocked!

6.       Movie Obsessions & Love of All Things Will Ferrell
I have spent more time lately fantasizing about Anchorman 2 than my own future wedding day.
(Fingers crossed Paul Rudd will be present for both!)

7.        Means of Self-Expression
Prefacing a fist bump with the phrase, “Knuckle up for safety!” is something I have done no
fewer than 4 times this week.  I’m not ashamed.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

7 Activities Jennifer Lawrence & I Will Enjoy Together Once We’re BFF’s

     So I haven’t met Jennifer Lawrence yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we bump into each other at a Starbucks, or our dogs’ leashes tangle up with one another as we are jogging through the park (note to self: buy dog), and we instantly click, sparking the most adorable lady-friendship the world has ever seen. (Move over Tina and Amy!)  When that moment comes, I want to be armed with an arsenal of activities that Jen and I can bond over.  So, without further ado, here are 7 Activities Jennifer Lawrence & I Will Enjoy Together Once We’re BFF’s!

1.       Dancing
Everyone knows nothing says BFF’s like synchronized lady dancing with your bestie.  Not sure what song Jen and I will use yet, but I’m leaning towards “Time after Time,” a la Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion.

2.       Hanging out with Emma Stone
Jen and I will need to surround ourselves with friends who aren’t intimidated by our hilarious senses of humor and deep throaty laughs.  Enter: Emma Stone.


3.       Laughing over our Academy Awards
In true BFF style, Jen and I will share in each other’s triumphs and failures (mostly triumphs).  What better way to enjoy your recently earned Academy Award then by hamming it up for the cameras with your other lady-half?  I imagine she will even mention me in her acceptance speech, whilst a single, glistening tear streams down her face.  I digress…


4.       Training for marathons
Fitness experts always say you’re more likely to stick to your exercise routine if you have a workout buddy to hold you accountable.  Jen and I will run 5ks together all the time, and maybe even train for a marathon one day.  Hopefully, I won’t be wearing a garbage bag in any of these scenarios…


5.       Hunting in the woods
I’m iffy on this one, as I’ve dabbled in vegetarianism and don’t exactly fit the aggressive, hunter personality type.  But you know what?  For Jen, I’m totally there.


6.       Going out on the town
What with all our jogging, dancing, and hunting wild game with primitive tools, Jen and I will need the occasional “night about town” to let off some steam and enjoy our 20s, BFF style!


7.       Wearing matching hairstyles
And of course, nothing says “You’re my best friend and no one quite compares to you, I’m so thankful to have you in my life” like spunky, matching side braids.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Spotlight on Sisters: 5 Sister-Sister Duos I Love


5. Dakota & Elle Fanning
Doesn’t get cuter than the Fanning sisters.  I will perpetually think of them as tiny little girls, but apparently they’re 19 and 15 now, which makes me feel, oh, about a thousand years old.  I digress…

4. Tia & Tamera Mowry
The original Sister-Sister duo, the Mowry twins have come a long way since the days of their floppy-hatted, denim-clad child stardom.  Their E! reality show is pretty entertaining too, though it shocked me initially to learn that they did not actually meet as teenagers in a department store. (Who knew?!)

3. Kate & Rooney Mara
I’ve loved these two individually for a while, but didn’t piece together that they were sisters until about a week ago, and it was the best discovery ever!  Both super-talented, both native New Yorkers, I am loving this sister-sister combo.


2. Emily & Zooey Deschanel
Love Bones, love New Girl, love these two lovely ladies—even if I struggle with the pronunciation of their last name on a daily basis. (When in doubt, just replace “Deschanel” with “Dave-Chapelle”—close enough.)


1. Kate & Pippa Middleton
One of my favorite dynamic duos, these two have won the genetic lottery—Kate causing hair envy amongst women everywhere with her enviable tresses, and Pippa bringin’ the thunder with a badonkadonk buzz-worthy enough to warrant its own Facebook fan-page.


Bonus: Me & My Sissie--Love that lady!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Top 5 Things that Made me Smile Today

5. This picture of Jason Segel rapturously biting into a burger.  Because it’s hilarious, and because I’m pretty sure it’s the exact face I made when I bit into a piece of apple pie crust a few minutes ago. Yummy alert!

4. This video of Smallpools hijacking a public piano and playing an awesome, stripped-down version of “Dreaming.”  Security guards be damned!

3. This picture.  I’ve been setting this picture as the background on a number of people’s laptops and computers lately, and it always elicits positive responses.  Bewildered expression, messy hair, fingers covered in olives—what’s not to love?

2. This old blog post of mine that was featured on Hellogiggles.  Not even trying to be self-promotional here (well maybe just a smidgen) but I really do reread this occasionally, and it still makes me giggle—one of my favorite things I’ve written.  Plus, the idea that it might somehow ignite an adorkable bff relationship between Zooey Deschanel and me always puts a smile on my face.

1. And number one by far is this little girl’s birthday message to her mom—the cutest thing I’ve seen, maybe ever.  She has set an extremely high bar for my future children.