Wednesday, October 23, 2013

An Open Letter to Hogwarts

Dear Hogwarts,

I am rather disgruntled to inform you that I have not yet received my letter of acceptance to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, and as it is well beyond my 11th birthday (I am now 23 years old) I have grown a bit concerned.

Despite repeated attempts to contact you over the last 12 years, I have heard nothing, and to be frank, I am so angry I could spit hinkypunks! Friends try to abate my anger and frustration. "No fears Joge, your letter is coming", they reassure me. "Perhaps Hogwarts can't find your address?" To those friends, I say: doubtful. If you people can remember something as specific as "cupboard under the stairs", then surely "just around the corner from the Burger King" shouldn't be too difficult.

What is it then? Was my video application too over-the-top for you guys? I know the smoke machines were probably a bit much, but you have to admit, my a capella rendition of "Double, Double, Toil and Trouble" was nothing short of spectacular. And as you can see from my costume selection, I look darling in scarlet and gold, though I would settle for green and silver if necessary. I draw the line at black and yellow though--I'm all for school spirit, but I would honestly rather snog a dementor than write my friends back home that I'm a Hufflepuff. Seriously.

As Albus Dumbledore once said, "Don't count your owls before they are delivered." I suppose I am guilty of just that, and yet, I cannot bring myself to keep from trying one last time. I realize that starting classes now would mean I would be double the age of the other witches and wizards in my year, but I promise, it won't be that weird. I'll be like that cool older student that everyone looks up to and wants to get a butterbeer Hogwarts' very own Van Wilder! (I know, I know, crap movie, but Ryan Reynolds was undeniably lovable in it!)

Well, I suppose I've done all I can for now. If you still refuse to acknowledge my inquiry, I will be forced to resort to wand-induced violence. So please, I implore you, just send me my acceptance letter already. I really don't want to go all "sectum sempra" on your magical derrieres, but I will do what I must to enjoy the magic that I so desperately seek.

(Just Around the Corner from the Burger King)

(originally published at

No comments:

Post a Comment